Saying exactly what you think isn’t always the best career move. 

Social psychologist Vanessa Bohns recently said in an interview with NPR that knowing when to speak up and when to stay quiet can be more challenging than figuring out how to phrase your thoughts.

“There are times when honesty is the best policy,” Bohns said. “On the other hand, honesty is not the best policy if whatever we say is going to be honest without any instrumental value.” 

In her book Should I Say Something? The Science of What to Share—and What to Keep to Yourself, published in October, Bohns draws on research to explore which thoughts and feelings are worth voicing, and which are better left unsaid. Her guidance spans everything from offering an honest opinion to celebrating a win, apologizing or opening up.

People can find it hard to deliver criticism, even comments meant to help. “It pains us to embarrass or hurt other people,” Bohns said. Researchers call it the MUM effect, or minimizing unpleasant messages. It’s a marker of a general human tendency to hold back bad news more than good news. 

Bohns advised workers to ask themselves three questions before sharing their honest opinion or feedback. First, is this information helpful? Second, would I want to hear this? And finally, do they want my feedback? 

Speaking up tells the other person that you noticed something and felt it mattered enough to mention, according to Bohns. 

The question, then, isn’t simply whether your opinion is honest, but if it serves the person hearing it.

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