That’s the question we discussed recently in my emotional intelligence community. A member (we’ll call her Raven) shared how she noticed the same pattern develop over and over at work.

“Someone will say something,” Raven said. “And it triggers big feelings. Almost immediately, I start mentally assembling a bullet list of all the ways the “something” is wrong. Ways to make them see their mistake. Ways to defend myself.”

Raven, who I’d describe as a very emotionally intelligent leader, correctly identified the root cause of her feelings.

Understanding the root cause is the first step in dealing with defensiveness. But what do you do next? Let’s dive deeper into the topic, viewed through the lens of emotional intelligence. We’ll see three simple phrases you can use to manage feelings of defensiveness, in the moment. But first, we’ll see why we experience defensiveness in the first place.

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First things first: It’s helpful to recognize that defensiveness isn’t inherently bad; it’s completely natural to become defensive in response to a perceived attack. (The term “defensive measures” for example has zero negative connotation.)

It’s well documented this is how our brains work; simply put, when we feel attacked, the amygdala activates a fight, flight, or freeze response. Defensiveness is part of the “fight” response—although it doesn’t have to manifest itself; as you point it out much of it can happen under the surface.

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